The sound of rain pours in through my open window… even though it is June the breeze is cold. I like the chill, it feels good. No, it doesn’t feel good, but it is something to feel. Something to feel is all I search for these days. As I am faced with all of these options, these endless possibilities and decisions that need to be made one thing I know I can feel, this cold breeze rolling in from my window. Everything else is a mess. The person I adore is leaving, I need to decide if I want to stay in high school all of senior year, and I need to pick a school I want to go to. It feels like my world is closing in, as if it is a conspiracy and the walls of my life unanimously decided they want to crush me. They want to extinguish this lonely teenager, the one who appears to have all of the friends but only a few who truly care, This teenager with all of the options of the world sprawled out in front of him; this teenager who no longer knows which way turn; this teenager who is just searching for a way out of all the pressure. There is an easy escape route and a long one. I choose the long one that requires work. This is who I am, the teenager who will do the work and overcome his issues to make himself better; the teenager who will build his life higher than anyone could imagine; this teenager who just wants to make his family proud, and his friends happy; this teenager who still wonders which path is the one to follow.

All I do is disappoint people. It seems like with ever decision I make more people are disappointed of me. If only they could understand that all I spend my time doing is trying to be perfect! I spend every waking minute trying to make people happy. Do I succeed? Nope, no one understand the work I do. Every second of the day my mind is not on my own happiness it is making sure that the people around me are all right.

Everyone else’s problems come before my own, and I am sick of it. I just wish everyone would see that I care about them. That I put their wants and needs before my own. Then maybe people would start to treat me right.

I feel like you might need some updates after the seemingly depressing posts the last few days. What am I talking about — it has not been the last few days! I have been witting about the same problem the last 2 years…. Well I hope you will be glad to know that I took care of it; or at least I began to take care of it. We will see how it plays out. As always I will keep you up to date.

I feel like for once a post here deserves a smile so here we go: =D

It feels good to be happy, and I am glad you fine people want to come along for the ride.

Sulk, sulk, sulk that is all I ever do. I can never take the bull by the horns and make a change. I am too shy, and too timid to change things for myself. I do not understand why I can’t learn. I cannot learn that I need to change things… things are not going to change themselves. I am sure I will never change them…. what to do?

Be brave, that is what I need to do.

Does anyone read what I write? On some level I really hope not…. and then again I really hope people do….

I just wanted to let you know I have been adding to the quotes page, so check it out!

I have a lot of fears, they vary in pettiness. Some are very  serious, and some of them might as well be called pet-peeves.

I am only going to write about my biggest fear… and well it may sounds simple it defines the way I live my life. My biggest fear is that I will grow up and be unhappy, and most of this fear stems from me feeling like I will be alone forever.

Since I was a freshman in high school I have had my eye on one person. This person is now a senior and will be leaving come the end of summer. They are still the only person who has ever given me butterflies with their presence  When I think about being with anyone else my mind goes right back to them. I feel like my chance has slipped away. It has slipped away for multiple reasons:

1. I have always been too shy to even talk to this person. I still am too shy to talk to this person, I would love to ask them to get coffee. I know coffee is a mutual interest we share, but I never can. They wouldn’t even go if I asked.

2. If I were to invite them to get coffee it could not lead to anything. They are leaving and would I really want a long distance relationship…. not really. It is just so confusing.

I am torn…. do I want to wonder if I something could have happened forever, or have something possible happen and be hurt later…. What can I do?

Either way I will be hurt…. but then again I am hurting now. Is there any way to win. I feel like I just want to quit trying. I wish they would approach me, and tell me how they feel….

I am just bothered so much. I don’t know what to do.

The pain- The pain in not something you can describe, it is worse than any physical pain you can ever experience. It burns your heart like a raging fire. Slowly creating scar tissue  making it harder for people to enter your heart. And unfortunately it is usually not the words that cause the most damage, it is who is saying them. It is the burnt bridges, the damaged connections. We never expect that the people we love most could hurt us in such terrible ways. Thus we are not prepared, not wearing the proper armor for these attacks.

Many will say that physical abuse is much worse than mental abuse… well this may be true; the scars and bruises of emotional damage can not be seen…. no one can know what help you need. These bruises  the bruises that will never heal, will cause pain forever. The relationships may be mended but the words can never be forgotten. They will forever linger in the back of the mind. Though we may act like nothing is wrong, we need help.

Don’t be the cause of pain… be the solution.

con·cus·sion

/kənˈkʌʃən/

noun

1. Pathology . injury to the brain or spinal cord due to jarring from a blow, fall, or the like.

2. shock caused by the impact of a collision, blow, etc.

Head injuries suck. Apperently you are not supposed to hit your head against your steering wheel, who would have know? I suppose it is not my fault, it is hard to control your movement when 2 cars hit your parked car.

Thank god for seat belts! This is a warning to all of you, keep your seat bealt on the whole time you are in your car, even when it is parked.

Also, apperently there is a thing called post concussion syndrome, and that sucks too. It is when the symptoms of your concussion do not go away quickly.

Post concussion syndrome is a set of symptoms “that may continue for weeks, months, or occasionally a year or more after a concussion.”

I am hoping for that few weeks option, I though do not think my luck is that good.

My life is in a twist, all of the people I need are slowly falling away, not entirely by their own choice… but it is slowly hurting me, all of the sadness in my life slowly hurting me.

My prayers are with all of the people who need them, I know I am not in the worst place of anyone, not anywhere close, and I know that. I just wish I could have all the people I care about with me.

I am praying for all of my friend to pass through their problem  for if they make it through their problems they will slowly come back one by one.

My friends are my life, they mean the world to me, and I hope they are safe and healthy. I love you all.